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Dating a Widow, Feelings of being Secondary

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Hello,

This poor lady actually had 3 deaths in her life, each one year apart (her brother died of cancer in 2006, her 20-something nephew died suddenly in 2007, and her husband died in 2008). We have talked openly about all of this several times, she seems to have a healthy attitude saying she was really down for a while during this time but has come to the realization she wants to live and love again. She had dated 2 other men for a few months before she met me. She is a psychologist and seems to be very knowledgeable and self-aware.

 

We spent Christmas Day together (2 days ago) and she had drank some wine and was explaining the details of the death of her husband to someone else. I could sense the deep loss she felt and I guess I took it as she had lost this wonderful husband and she felt like she would rather have him back, which would all be understandable, but it's still hard to take. I just left the room and came back. Later we ended up discussing it because she could see I was effected by something. She then had a pretty major episode of grief; I held her and comforted her for hours. We talked about it and she said that just as she could be the love of my life (after the relationships that I have already had), I could also be the Love of her Life. I told her I doubted that I could be because she was with someone for so long.

 

I wonder about this: Is it immature or misguided for me to feel like I want to be just so special to her and feel like I'm competing for that special place with her husband? I have several children, each unique and special, and love them all equally, can it be the same with romantic love? I want to respect her feelings and her situation but I also want to be honest with myself about my needs if they are valid.

 

Thank You

 

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Guest Tuesday, 20 February 2018

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