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I Guess This Is Where We Say Hello

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As usual, I have done things backwards ? If it weren't for my obvious giftedness in doing things wrong, I would have no super power. I created an account and wrote a post then stumbled upon the whole introductory email afterwards. 

If you were someone who "knows" me in real life, you would say what everyone says, "She's so nice and friendly, she'll help anyone, she's the best." It is true, I will help anyone that needs, I will never say no. I am unfailingly kind and generous even if I've got no means to be. I get walked on like an old rug a lot, taken advantage of and lied to. I find myself feeling beaten up by life but unable to tell people to just go away already. 

I read through the first several introductions, many saying they had no friends and did not know if they ever would. Feelings of isolation and not quite fitting in. That has been my life's theme pretty much. I was born awkward, I saw people seeming to naturally connect all around me, I was always at the edge of the group standing awkward and being silent. Thinking I just hadn't figured out the key everyone else had already been gifted, it's ok I would tell myself, you will be fine after high school. It's just this town, these people, it will make sense when you're out in the real world. I eventually learned to make myself speak out loud to people when friends that kept coming around me taught me how. I can fake some mean social interaction these days but I will never know how everyone else must feel. I know they don't feel like me. I feel immense panic, nauseating anxiety, and stupider than I can describe. Every time I am forced to chit chat, I want to go lay in a hole and die afterwards. I open my mouth and what the heck ever wants will come flying out, I've got no filter. I have a very odd sense of humor that makes most people give me openly confused looks. I cannot help but tell you exactly what I know about anything you ask, so if you don't want blatant honesty or a little lecture, don't ask. I'm just so exhausted from the effort at pretending to feel normal, I'm overwhelmed by sights, sounds, smells, feelings, everything! I want to stop having to coax myself to leave my house so I can get things done, it takes longer and longer to feel ok enough to walk outside and be assaulted by the world. I'm drained, I'm sad, and I am amazed that rather than anyone noticing I may need a little hand every once in a while they instead think I can take on the world plus solve all of their problems too.

 

 

 

 

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Guest Monday, 19 February 2018

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