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Struggle to find real human connection

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I have always been picked on for being super quite. I have been called a loser, slow, weird, dumb ECT. In high school I had my on and off moments, when I was considered a social butterfly. I loved talking with so many people of different backgrounds and social standpoint, it's something that made me feel alive and truly human. It wasn't until a four year relationship and traumatic episodes, that I have suddenly fallen back into my childhood box again. 

 

It has been 3 years since the relationship, and I have lost all my friends due to my depression and lack of ability to socialize. For the past year I spent almost everyday lying emotionless in my bed, only to go to work or help a family member in a crisis, but even then I feel like my presence only made it worse. 

 

I have attempted to go out on a few accations, only to find my inability to effectively and vocally communicate, to be nearly impossible. I feel like I have lost touch with life itself. The empathetic, sincere, loving person that I use to be, that I built myself up to be seems to have vanished. 

 

I have been struggling trying to find human connection and I can't decipher anymore who is trying to hurt me and who is actually sincere. I feel lost in a good. Even in this moment I can feel my face burning and tightening, and pressure behind my eyes, because it pains me. 

 

I see people walking around and I want to badly to have a conversation. I want so badly to tell the person I see sad to smile. I want so bad to be that person I knew, who could make someone's day, but I haven't had that strength or confidence. Instead of been scared, intimidated, and slowly destroying my world around. I even quit my job that I loved so much, because people were saying that I was heartless and insensitive, when inside I was dying to speak again and have a conversation, and connect with someone. I am tired of being this way. I am tired of my speech slurring, my mind catching up until after the fact, the fuzzy hazzy daze, the lump in my throat, the nauseated pit in my gut, and the guilt I feel for not speaking or knowing what to say. I don't want to be a negative person to people, I want to be the happy person people used to see me as. The one who was able to speak. I want that side of me back.

 

 

 

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Guest Saturday, 24 February 2018

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